PORN! or How Naruto Became a Star
by blackraven23
Summary: Jiraiya, porn-writing career lagging, comes up with an ingenious way to save himself: yaoi. Naruto isn't so thrilled about this. Reason? He's the inspiration. SasuNaruSasu
1. PORN!

**PORN!**

-blackraven23-

_Do what makes you happy. Regardless. It's your only life to live (that you know of)._

* * *

"You do these things just to spite me, don't you?"

Naruto slaps the manuscript pages down on Jiraiya's bed, effectively scattering the typewriter-formed scripts everywhere. Jiraiya makes an unintelligible sound and dives for the pages that fall to the floor, as though the rough wood will somehow soil the integrity of the words.

Naruto snorts. Integrity and Jiraiya should never go in the same sentence. Or same thought. Ever.

After Jiraiya gathers the papers in one hand neatly stacked (though still out of order, Naruto notes with some satisfaction), the man glares down his painted cheeks at Naruto, but Naruto's lived through two Sasuke's, one Sakura, a Tsunade and a Kakashi, so glares are worth little.

Naruto just makes a little 'huh' sound, raising a yellow eyebrow.

"Naruto…" Jiraiya growls, "These words are sacred! I spent months of my life trying to perfect the emotion in each of the lines! The shame, the latent love, the suppressed desire--!"

"It's a PORN script! About ME and--," Naruto clamps his jaw shut, making his teeth click together. His blue eyes rage silently and he wonders if he can shove Jiraiya out the window and get out of there fast enough for his mentor not to follow.

Jiraiya starts to laugh creepily, saying through his smug smile, "Oh, Naruto-chan, who said this had anything to do with you? Or are you hiding something from me?" He raises his eyes suggestively, clutching the papers to his chest. "All I did was write a novel of great depth and tragic love!"

He'd probably just laugh if I did that, Naruto thinks. "Whatever you want to call it, it's still PORN! About ME!"

"Oh, nonsense, Naruto-chan! The main character, Naruke-kun is nothing like you! Not at all! And the other main character, a one Sa—."

"Shut! UP! Do not even say it out loud!"

"--suto-kun is also so unlike—"

"Hey!" Naruto's voice blocks out whatever Jiraiya says next. "When I agreed to be your student you swore you'd never use my personal life as inspiration for a story! And that's what you're doing, you big fat liar pervert hermit!"

"—but the emotions are so real, the script so lifelike! The chase scenes through the forest, the fights, the betrayals, the inappropriate timing of family members! The story that never seems to end, even when they're apart, still always thinking of each other, always chasing after one another, even when they know meeting will mean certain death! Oh, the devotion!"

Naruto growls and dives at Jiraiya, hands outstretched, trying to grab the papers or shut the hermit up or both, but Jiraiya, in raptures at his own story, easily sidesteps Naruto with a swirl of his cape.

"Oh, Naruto, if only you could feel what the characters, what _I_ felt, when I wrote it! If only you knew the feeling of loving someone that was forever disappearing, the heartbreak that it causes!" Naruto lunges for the papers again, but at that moment Jiraiya throws his hands in the air, smile wide enough to crack his cheeks.

Naruto jumps towards Jiraiya's hand, but his teacher merely catches him in mid-air and crushes his protégé to him, practically singing. "It's heartbreaking, its heart wrenching, it's raunchy, and so long it makes me cry! There will be so many volumes! I'm going to be RICH!"

Jiraiya looks down at Naruto whose face is scrunched up in pain, and adds: "And all because my student slept with his best friend!"

"JIRAIYA!"

* * *

I don't know why either! cowers So, you see, it started off like this... I like Jiraiya. This is dedicated to him (since he's dead, for all those who don't read the manga, uh, well, if you're here, you should so suck it up). I also like yaoi (though not very much in the hardcore persuasion). Somehow, I wanted to marry these loves. Okay, so perhaps marry is the wrong verb for this. Meld is more like it. Hmm.. no, that's like metal.

Oh, okay, thats _weld_. Er, well... irregardless, I wanted to bring them together in a weird ironic off-beat humor sort of way. Because, you know, if they ever did _do _it (you know of whom I speak), I think Jiraiya would totally mine their story for inspiration. Because if you look at _Naruto_ in a romantic sort of way, isn't a large part of it about Naruto and Sasuke chasing after each other? And isn't that cute?

It's almost like Gatsby trying to find his Daisy again. Except without the whole Egg thing. Although, there _is_ the status kick.

And it's all for fun! And now people can make the crack that its Nar-_uke_! Haha... okay, sorry. There will be more. Later.


	2. SHAMELESS!

**PORN!**

_or, how to work your way up the shinobi ladder-- the shameless way._

* * *

It's Sunday and Naruto is leering quite openly through the window of a shop he normally wouldn't be caught dead near. What he is leering at is, just like the garish pink of the sign declaring the contents of the shop, clandestine in intent and rather gregarious in choice of color. It is a blaringly bright yellow and sports a title Naruto would rather never repeat splashed across the cover in a fun font.

All of this would not bother him if it were not for the fact that the title essentially screams PORN! and the cover sports a drawing that looks suspiciously— no, _exactly_—like him on the cover.

Naruto lets out a whine that peters out into a groan, pressing his face closer to the window, arms spread as if to cover the picture from view. This elicits the stares of quite a few passerbies, who otherwise probably would not have even noticed the photo and its relation to him, having long since gotten used to ignoring the adult shop situated in their neighborhood.

The groan, Naruto thinks, sparing just a moment to consider the implications of his reaction, could be taken to seem like an entirely different emotion. At that thought, he flings himself away from the window, only to flop, back against it, a moment later, as a group of girls traipse past him.

One looks over at him and he smiles, but her eyes immediately flick to the sign above him and she turns away in laughter.

Naruto buries his face in his hands.

His life is so, so ruined.

He turns back to the window, glaring in at the poster of himself, pressed rather seductively up to what seems like a fair impression of Sas—of this Sasuto character. What's worse—if there could be anything so in such a situation—is that he _looks like the subservient one_.

"Well, well, well, I see my tutelage has finally paid off."

Naruto jumps a foot in the air and looks at the offender, his long-time teacher and well-known purveyor of explicit goods, Kakashi-sensei.

"No, no no nononono! It's not like that, Kakashi-sensei!"

If there's one person Naruto doesn't want knowing about his unfortunate relationship with Sasuke, it's Kakashi.

Kakashi's visible eye looks as unconvinced as it can before the mask moves. "Then what _is_ it like, Naruto? Or, should I say, Naruke-chan?"

It's as though the floor's just dropped out beneath Naruto. "Kakashi-sensei! You have to stop him! This is madness! This is illegal! This is PORN!" And then he leans very close to his teacher and hisses, "With me in it!"

"I can see that."

Naruto waits for him to continue, but he does not, just stares down at his student with twinkling eyes that are not at all supportive (at least in the way Naruto wants them to be.)

"No-o!" Naruto cries, dropping to his knees and covering his face in his hands. "My life is over! OVER! I will never be Hokage, never be the greatest ninja ever born! I will forever be known as Naruke-chan, PORN!star extraordinaire."

There's a laugh from above him and Naruto glares upwards through his fingers, before launching himself upwards to grab Kakashi by the flak vest. "AND, what's worse is, _I'm_ the _uke_! I am NOT _uke_ material!"

"Are you so sure, Naruto-chan? You _do _have the most extraordinary ass—at least, according to this bio." Kakashi lifts up from his back pocket the yellow book of doom, and flips lackadaisically through the pages, entirely unconcerned with the student currently attached to his vest. "Let's see—oh, here we are. '_Naruke-chan was blessed with the tightest ass one could imagine, completely irresistible to any good seme, and Sasuto-kun couldn't help but want to be the first to conquer it._'"

"You _bought_ that illegal piece of trash!? Kakashi-sensei, how could you!?"

"'_Of course, it won't be easy, but Sasuto-kun is persistent, and never gives up—always defending his _uke_ in times of battle, sometimes even risking his life_. _He is the epitome of _seme­_-ness, with dark hair and eyes, taller than his uke, with a brooding and difficult personality, and a tragic past. He also has eyes that can see through anything—yes, anything._'"

"I hate you."

"That's what you said about _Sasuto-kun_ at first. Now look where you are. If you're not careful, there'll be a sequel." Kakashi's eye winks upwards and then he disappears in a puff of smoke, gleefully leaving behind only a lone copy of the porn.

Naruto glares at the yellow book resting peacefully on the ground. "You, too."

* * *

I am shameless late at night. Anyway...

If Kishimoto kills off Kakashi, I'm not reading _Naruto _anymore. Seriously. What is that guy's problem? Why can't he leave behind any cool characters? Soon we're going to be down to the old dude and Uchiha-Never-Freaking-Dies Sasuke. Oh, and not to forget, Naruto. Who is suspiciously missing from what must be an entire volume-- is he filming a porno?

Really. _Naruto_ is just getting annoying.


	3. UKEFICATION!

**PORN!**

_or, what your friends don't know..._

* * *

Naruto glares at the book on his cluttered kitchen table again, before turning around and opening the fridge to take out some (non-expired, this time) milk. He pours himself a glass of said milk, and as he turns back around to sit down, he glares at the book some more, as though the momentary lapse in his concentration had allowed the book to add some more questionable and highly inappropriate material to its slim content. Not that he necessarily knows what the exact contents of the book are, but, if the author is Jiraiya, it is safe to say that nothing is, indeed, safe. The man has the imagination of a horny schoolboy and the artistic skills to draw each ecchi moment out in painful, excruciating, down-to-the-sweat-drop detail. Detail that he does not want to scar his retinas with forever.

Evil book, he thinks, taking a sip of the milk, eyes narrowing to slits until he can barely see the damn thing. Life-ruiner, he grinds between his teeth, letting a frustrated noise escape from his nose. The blaringly yellow cover glares cheerily back, not moving, as though it has no problems in the world and no one's ruined life to account for its very existence. He distinctly wishes he hadn't brought Kakashi's copy home with him, but, then again, it is one less copy out in the world and to leave it in the middle of the street like that... well, anyone could have picked it up!

Know your enemy, Naruto thinks. Know your enemy even as you hate him- because you hate him- so you can hate him some more. And then defeat him.

Reaching out delicately with two fingers, Naruto pinches the corner of the book, making a disgusted face as the slick cover slides between the pads of his fingertips, and flips the book over, so the illustrated cover shows.

Immediately, he cringes and lets go of the book. Nevermind. He doesn't want to know his enemy. It is almost too painful to look at face-on. He looks so goddamn effeminate! His normally wide blue eyes are magnified to an insane degree, the irises taking over the majority of his eyes, which in turn take up what feels like half of his face. The hard lines of his chin have been softened and the dark lines that mark the Kyuubi's whiskers are shortened and lightened until they are nearly invisible on his chubby cheeks. His hair, instead of being up in its customary spikes, lies on his head in drab waves the color of his normal banana-colored hair, lending an element of realism that he really wishes it wouldn't. His eyelashes, on the other hand, are so thick they look like some of his eyebrows had migrated south for the winter and then decided to stay forever. But, despite all the changes it's creator has made to his appearance, it still looks too much like him. There is no one else that looks like this, in the entire village- and absolutely no way anyone could think it was anyone else. It looks exactly like him- except- except, he struggles to think of the word without throwing up- _ukefied_. Don't ask how he knows the word- just don't.

And the other one in the picture- he really does almost gag. The guy's eyes are slim as usual, dark like his hair, his face narrower and more mature than his years belie. In fact, he looks so much older than normal- especially in comparison to the character's cover-mate, whose baby-face makes him seem like he hasn't yet finished puberty. His gratuitous height is evident even in the cropped photo, and in contrast, the other character looks diminutive and rather helpless. His arms, clad in dark material, hug Naruto's character close to his chest, and a dirty smirk curls the corner of his drawn mouth, the very expression on his face devouring and making Naruto shiver.

In fear for his sanity.

Feeling nausea rising up his throat, in time with his strangled cry of "GYAAAAAHHHH!" he slams his glass of milk over his drawn face. Doesn't anyone realize that even if he _is_ oriented... you know, _that_ way... he is still a GUY! With- with- man parts! And manly features! Okay, perhaps they aren't manly yet, but they will get there, dammit, and he will not be portrayed as weak and helpless in the arms of some jerk who is smirking like the cat just got the canary! Even if he passes out, he is still a fearsome ninja with impressive skills and the body to go with it!

Naruto sighs heavily, eyes closed in frustration. That goddamn smirk gets to him more than anything, and he wouldn't have put it past that bastard Jiraiya to include it in the character's description just to piss Naruto off. As if the entire venture isn't ache-inducing enough, Jiraiya even had to try and make it semi-realistic and not in the good way! The smirk is so close to one he barely remembers but thinks of often- the know-it-all smirk of a best-friend and enemy, taunting him into betterment or into a fight, making him realize what he wanted and what he needed to prove to the world. It's the smirk that inspired him, confirmed their friendship as nothing like those fake friendships of the past, with their forced smiles and quiet disdain for the beast in his belly. The drawn version was a shadow of the real thing. It taunts him, but not in the same way- it makes a mockery of his past with Sasuke, cheapens their friendship into something tawdry and cliche. It dirties anything they ever had between them, and for that he hates the book more than for its silly, sexual content.

Sakura-chan could find it, he thinks, frowning in distaste. He doesn't know how much she's into _those_ kinds of things, but this is definitely something one has to keep from one's best friends if one could, especially considering the other person that's involved in the debasing business. If Sakura ever gets the idea of some sort of sexual relationship between him and Sas- fuck, he doesn't even want to go there! If she hates it, that's one thing. He's used to being hated by Sakura, and she won't spread it around if she hates it. But if she likes it- Kami-sama help him, he is going to need the ANBU storehouse of weapons to keep himself safe from her wrath at not knowing about it first. He's going to have to superglue his pants to his ass just to keep her from ripping them off to check for love marks.

But Sakura-chan isn't the only one he's worried about finding out about the whole business. What if one of his commanding officers finds out about it? Kakashi-sensei already knows, and he knows Jiraiya will spill the beans to anyone who will listen just to promote its sales and help his flagging career. What if Tsunade finds out about it? Or Shizune? Woman can't keep her mouth shut to save her life, and she's as close to Jiraiya as Tsunade is, and considerably less likely to brush off every idea he presents as completely worthless, like Tsunade. And then Iruka will find out about it, and then Ibiki, because goddamn that guy knows everything and is scary as fuck, and then Kotetsu will know and he'll tell Genma, and then Gai will announce it to everyone with a flourish of his hand a sparkle in his eye AT THE TOP OF HIS VOICE, and Asuma will know and Kurenai and Neji and Konohamaru and Shikamaru and Ino and Chouji and Shino and Kiba and oh god his life is ruined. Completely in smithereens.

"FUCK YOU, JIRAIYA!" Naruto yells at the top of his lungs, scaring away a few of the birds that sit at his window-box, though one particularly old and decrepit-looking one just looks up momentarily before going back to eating his radish plants.

Everyone is going to think that he is some sort of man-slut, and as a Porn!Star, he will never be taken seriously as a ninja and he will never become an ANBU or the Hokage, and he will die a lonely old man, shaking his fist at the ceiling and cursing Jiraiya even at his deathbed because no girl wants to have sex with the star of a yaoi manga. All they ever want to do is watch. What the hell is he going to do to get his reputation back to what it once was? Slumping forward on the table, he spreads his arms across the wooden surface in an expression of complete defeat.

He needs to do something to stop this madness, and now. Clenching his eyes shut, he searches his mind frantically for an idea- any idea. He isn't the smartest of the pack, but he certainly isn't the stupidest. Maybe. It is questionable. Regardless, he thinks of an idea that has some merit. Suddenly, he stands. He can stop this right where it starts. He is a ninja for Kami-sama's sake, and if he wants to keep this from his friends he needs to start right away. They are perceptive (blabbermouths), so it has to be done now. Right now, before even one more of them gets wind of it.

A moment later he is perched at his windowsill, crushing his poor radish plants and just about to jump out to the neighboring building when an explosive knock radiates around his room, followed instantly afterwards with Sakura's distinctive voice calling, "Naruto, you idiot, you'd better let me in RIGHT NOW before this door is dust! I know you're in there!"

There isn't a swear word bad enough to encompass what he feels.

Naruto looks worriedly at the shaking door, and longingly out at the neighboring building. He could run for it, but in the corner of his eye he sees the bright cover of the porn novel flicker in the sunlight, the book still resting in the center of his table. If he runs, she'll definitely see it. With a twinge of regret, he jumps back inside and stuffs the novel hurriedly down his pants (there is nowhere else, really!) and calls out, "I'm coming Sakura-chan! Don't break my door!"

Waddling uncomfortably over to his front door, he zips up his jacket to his neck and pulls open the door just in time to see Sakura raise a chakra-covered fist in her attempt to break the door down. Her normally pretty face is twisted in an expression of malevolent anger and though she lowers her fist upon seeing Naruto's face, he notices that not all of her brilliant blue chakra dissipates. He can hardly contain the shiver of fear that works his way down his spine, though he smiles brightly and says, "What's up, Sakura-chan?"

Her bright green eyes narrow, and he almost squeaks as she steps towards him menacingly. "How..." she growls out, footsteps making the floor shake under his feet, "could you have not told me about this?"

As he toddles backwards, he sees in her unfisted hand a bright yellow copy of Jiraiya's yaoi novel.

* * *

Oh Sakura-chan, as a yaoi fangirl. Sigh... Who really knows, maybe she is one? You can't really have that many testosterone-laden men running around you all day in pairs and not get to wondering what happens when there's only one blanket and its 30 below outside... At least, I wouldn't be able to resist. xD Anyways, many thanks for your generous reviews and encouragement, although I'm not really sure how well I repaid you by waiting all this time before updating, and then with this one measly chapter... but never fear! There is more! What does Naruto plan to do? What the hell is Sakura going to do to his ass? Haha we'll see...


End file.
